So here it is. Finally. The truth about why I quit the job that I loved. How my first real solo travel adventure changed my life and why it took me a little bit longer to publish this entry.
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere and sometimes in the middle of nowhere you find yourself.
This is exactly how I felt when I was traveling Sri Lanka on my own and spent a night in the middle of the jungle in an eco-lodge. I had a never-ending conversation with a girl, a social worker, that I just got to know some days ago, about my past. About all that I went through the last years. About how I suffered and how lost I was. How I didn’t know where to go and what to do next. Although I am super organized, focused and always thought that I knew what I wanted. But the truth was, all this was my way of coping with my pain. A way to hide.
Just two weeks later I met an older woman with whom I had an even long conversation about my future. About where I see myself now (in a stuck situation!) where I wanna be (I had no idea) – rather where I don´t wanna be anymore and how I could probably get (out of) there. What my thoughts and my wishes are and also why I felt so helpless.
But let´s begin with a little, very personal confession: I am chronically ill. You don’t see it (when the illness is not active) and a lot of people would never think that I actually have to take medicine every day, but yes. This is how it is.
I have never made a secret out of my illness. Actually, a lot of people know about that fact. It all began in 2007 when I had to cope with the biggest loss of my life so far. The death of my Dad. Since then I recognized pain in my stomach and even lost blood. Although it got worse, I tried to ignore it more or less. But in 2013 I went very ill, lost a lot of weight and ended up in the hospital getting blood transfusions. YEY!
I started a long-term therapy, which I am still on, but I knew, that to avoid another breakout of my illness, I needed to change a little bit more than just taking tablets every day. At the beginning, when the memories of my hospital stay were still fresh, I tried really hard, but then I got offered the Job I ALWAYS wanted. I am not joking. This was something I had worked toward to ever since I started studying. So there was absolutely no question whether I should accept that offer or not.
I joined the company and had an amazing time. I learned a lot, I got to know so many nice people and I really loved what I did. Honestly! But soon, around two and a half years after my start, I realized that I would probably not be able to cope with having to work for 60+ hours a week. So I knew, that I had to change my life. Although it would break my heart to let go of what I loved doing.
It is my Decision
And so it happened, that in January 2016, in the middle of the Sri Lankan Jungle, I decided to quit my job to travel the world. To do more of what makes me happy. To explore. To make friends on the road. To learn and to teach others. To write. To get lost and still, to find me. To find what I was missing in myself, to find, what everyone is looking for: the inner voice. To reveal my inner wish. To listen to myself and find out who I am.
Ok. I have to admit, I still haven’t found myself .. completely. But I have developed and grown so much in 2016 that I am super excited to get off to new adventures this year. And it is my decision what I want to do in my life. How I wanna live my life. And if I need a year or two off, to sort out some things that are within me, that I need some time, then I do it. Because I can.
Ever since I had the idea to travel more I started saving money and as long as I am not completely struggling I won’t stop living the life I learned to love. And I am ready to continue this journey of traveling.